After taking a year off, sitting at home devoid of any social life, it was finally the first day of college. I entered the class hoping to make some new friends. But I joined college late and soon found myself sitting silent all by myself enduring the ever apathetic lecturer. Equally apathetic were the faces of the students. There were some pretty ones. But you see pretty eventually just gets boring. So I keep turning my head, few degrees at a time, and I see right across the room, a girl sitting alone trying to figure out this alien place for it was her first day too. I felt like occupying the seat next to her for she seemed intriguing. A book I wanna read. But why her?
Few days later, I glanced down at this wallpaper of the Universe on my phone. I was, like in the case of any other pic of universe, mesmerized by it. But the longer I looked at it, the more I thought about that guy who took this photo sitting in one of those observatories. He is looking at the stars, the supernovas, and trying to understand them. When we look at the universe, we see a beautiful arrangement of celestial bodies, he sees the great facts of the universe. He knows what will take to reach them, what it took to capture that pic. He knows how far they are, how big they are and what will happen if it all destroys to nothing. It is all huge, beyond our imagination and yet,before the big bang, it all started from nothing. And just like that, everyday he wakes up he knows that he is living amidst greatness. The kind of greatness he has had the pleasure of knowing and appreciating.
I wish I could live a life like that. No, I am not gonna pack my bags and head to NASA and I don’t need to either as beauty is subjective. You need to simply find the beauty that you can know and appreciate. Beauty can be found anywhere; high up in the sky, or deep inside that girl across the room. But that’s the thing about true beauty. You always gotta look further, deeper. It’s not the prettiness of the lips but the happiness in the eyes that makes a smile truely beautiful. Oh, I wish I had my camera to capture that perfect frame across the room. Our culture often asserts some specific definitions of beauty, which is then reflected in our fashion trends, architecture, etc., but it’s important we find our own definitions of it.
When I looked across the room, the question I was actually asking: “What I really want? What does beauty really mean to me?” Questions I’ve been asking myself for the last year after I broke up with the girl I believed to be my soulmate.
So is true beauty inspiring? Is it meant to give you happiness or an experience worth telling? Or is it simply something that captures your attention, confirms with your interests, then leaves you mesmerized? I’ve been trying to answer these questions for a while now, but I’m a fool. I am trying to answer these questions in my brain, while the answers can be right there across the room. The only way I can answer these questions is to make an attempt. Make an attempt to go talk to her, watch her, look for that perfect frame that defines her inner beauty. Really know her. Really taste her till I can feel her in my blood. Give her wings when she wants to fly. Open myself to her. Let her in. Let her go. And feel it all along the way. Joy, sorrow, love and whatever may follow.
Let me follow my intuition, honestly and bravely. I think the real beauty lies in believing that there exists true beauty. Diving into the unknown is the adventure that makes your life worth telling for generations. My curiosity is the only way I can define beauty for me, the only way I can define myself. So what if I fail to understand and appreciate her. What if I never even get to know her, share that magical cup of coffee with her?
Fuck that… Let me atleast be a believer. A believer of the universe. I’ll always believe that there exists true beauty someplace, somewhere. I’ll be effortlessly curious. I’ll keep asking.. why “her”?